How are you supposed to keep from tearing up when a four-year-old, with one hand on your cheek and the other wiping your eye, tells you "no tears" as you're strapping her into her car-seat?
I don't know where my daughter gets it from, this almost sixth sense or awareness of my emotions and my moods, but damnit she does, and really always has. The older she gets it seems she's getting better at being in tune with what's going on with me.
When she was little (comparatively speaking) she was always able to tell when I was down or had a bad day and needed a little extra attention and love to cheer me up, and now at four she's consoling me, because she knows how hard it is for me to let her go for a week.
When I sit and think about it, I'm at a loss of how I should feel, that my four-year-old is trying to console her thirty-two-year old father, and honestly at the end, I feel guilty for it. Guilty that I'm not being stronger for her. That I've let me emotions, and being upset show through during all this, and that she sees it all. That instead of me holding her, petting her hair, and wiping away her tears, its her wiping my cheeks, looking at me with those beautiful blue eyes, and with a tone to her voice way older than her little four-year-old self, saying "Daddy, no tears".
Monday, September 2, 2013
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Words out of anger
Well, it took nearly seven years to happen, but today was finally the day I heard words I've prepared myself to hear for a while. Out of anger towards me, my son told me that he didn't want to be here with me and wanted to go back to his mom's. While I say I've prepared myself to hear that, I should properly put it that I thought I had prepared myself for it, when in reality, I hadn't. It was a swift kick to the nuts, and one I'm sure I'm going to get plenty more times down the road, from all the kids, but damn this first time from him was painful. Of course I made the mistake of showing anger after he said it, something I regret. I was already emotionally drained, and when he came at me with that, I wasn't prepared.
I've tried to talk to him since, and I get the feeling that he's just as sorry as I am. He's been having a hard time with the changes, harder than he's willing to admit, and I think some of that is finally coming to the surface. I worry about what other outbursts are in store, because he keeps most things in, especially with me, and I have a feeling once I move, it'll be something else that affects him, and it'll trigger a reaction I won't be prepared to handle.
One thing I know for sure is that those words he said, regardless of why they were said, will be ringing in my head for a while....
I've tried to talk to him since, and I get the feeling that he's just as sorry as I am. He's been having a hard time with the changes, harder than he's willing to admit, and I think some of that is finally coming to the surface. I worry about what other outbursts are in store, because he keeps most things in, especially with me, and I have a feeling once I move, it'll be something else that affects him, and it'll trigger a reaction I won't be prepared to handle.
One thing I know for sure is that those words he said, regardless of why they were said, will be ringing in my head for a while....
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Today would have been....
I thought I had been doing better, and in a lot of ways I have, but today proved to me that I'm not doing nearly as well as I'd like to have myself think. Today would have been Bug's first day of preschool. It's one of those things that I knew in the back of my head, but did my best to ignore, until I saw other parents posting pics of their kids getting on the bus or sitting in their room, and it just struck me. It hit me like a brick wall, and I've been pretty much worthless since.
It's hard, because I had planned to take the day off work so I could pick her up on her first day and see how she did. So today pretty much sucked and struck home that not only did I not get to do that, but rather than it be me that will get those experiences, it'll be her grandmother in January. I keep telling myself this is my new existence and I need to get used to it, but so far, that level of acceptance isn't happening. I beat myself up because on a day like today, I feel like I take a step back, like by this point, nearly two months have passed and I should be getting accustomed to this. I realize that's bullshit though. It's bullshit I feed myself, and most day that works to a certain extent, but not today. Today the bullshit fell silent and the roar of reality took center stage....
Monday, August 26, 2013
Another Weekend....
Another weekend has come and gone and I'm back to an empty house. I did my best to stay upbeat with this drop off, and there were no tears this time, problem is, I'm torn on how to feel about that. Should I be happy that my baby didn't cry, that there were no tears or "....but I'll miss you" that guaranteed that I'd tear up, or should I be bothered or worried that she's growing accustomed to this situation like her brother, and growing accustomed to not being around me as much as she was before? I realize most people will say I should't think too much, that I should be happy that she didn't get upset or cry, but these back and forth thoughts and emotions, are nearly everyday with me.
Admittedly though, it was a fitting end to a decent day and a half of just me and the girls. My oldest had a school dance Friday, so I didn't get the girls until midday Saturday, took them back just a little over 24 hours later, and I wouldn't trade those 24 hours for anything.
I sometimes worry I'm trying too hard with my oldest though. Our relationship the past few years has been rocky at best. Being as she's my step-daughter, there have been times I've seriously expected to hear the dreaded "you're not my Dad!" come from her, because at times it was that bad. Looking back, I think it was a reaction to me and her mom not doing well, and she felt like she somewhat betrayed her mom if she didn't turn her back on me. The last few months have been better though. She talks to me more, and I'm being more relaxed, talking to her, pestering and giving her a hard time anything related to One Direction pops up or we see in a store. I've had a few serious conversations with her too, and that seems to be good, she's slowly opening up to me again, but I worry. There are times that she still seems uncomfortable, and I can't help but wonder if I'm trying too hard.
Outside of that worry, its not been bad, a weekend of "moving forward" as it were. Cleaning out closets and sorting things out to eventually take to Goodwill, it was productive and emotionally healing. I did have one foul-up Saturday night though. Bug and I were outside looking at the stars and playing on the iPad with the app SkyView. She was getting a kick out of moving it around the sky and seeing the constellations pop up on the screen. Like any 4 year old though, her attention was diverted when the cat came to see what we were doing. She was loving on the cat (named Tyler) and was saying that we needed to get Tyler a friend, so he wouldn't be lonely when she wasn't at the house. Well leave it to Dad to stick his foot in his mouth. I told her we would wait until I saw where I was moving to, and then we'd decide on a pet, but that we would most definitely get something. That's all it took for a breakdown about her not wanting me to move, she loved her house and didn't want to leave it. She calmed down a little when I told her we'd take all our stuff with us, but she was still upset about the thought of not having the current house as her home anymore. It killed me, like I knew it would. Leave it to me.
Fortunately that was the low point while I had the girls with me, besides having to drop them off. I delay and stick around so bad when I'm dropping the girls off, it probably boarders on sad. I'll go from the front window to the back window talking to both, getting as many kisses from Bug as I can. It's hard letting go, saying goodbye knowing I won't get to see her for at least another 5 plus days. I'm sure that doesn't sound like a lot, but after seeing her every day of her life, not leaving her forever more than one night, its difficult, very difficult. She was my light, what would brighten up my day. She still is, but the excitement and light is tempered down, because she's not here when I get home.
I'm already going to break one of the rules I set for myself when I decided to start writing this blog. I'll eventually have a post explaining it all, but to keep things private, I decided I'd never use actual names, I don't even use my own, the name I have on this site is made up. I also told myself I'd never degrade or bad-mouth my childrens' mothers, and I won't. The third thing I'm about to break. I told myself no face pics, for partially the same reason as the names, privacy. However, during the drop-off, my Bug was willing to take a pic with me, and take a good one. A picture I'm going to cherish, that just makes me smile, and captures my baby girl perfectly. So, I close this post with a photo of my Bug and I. Daddy loves you baby.
Admittedly though, it was a fitting end to a decent day and a half of just me and the girls. My oldest had a school dance Friday, so I didn't get the girls until midday Saturday, took them back just a little over 24 hours later, and I wouldn't trade those 24 hours for anything.
I sometimes worry I'm trying too hard with my oldest though. Our relationship the past few years has been rocky at best. Being as she's my step-daughter, there have been times I've seriously expected to hear the dreaded "you're not my Dad!" come from her, because at times it was that bad. Looking back, I think it was a reaction to me and her mom not doing well, and she felt like she somewhat betrayed her mom if she didn't turn her back on me. The last few months have been better though. She talks to me more, and I'm being more relaxed, talking to her, pestering and giving her a hard time anything related to One Direction pops up or we see in a store. I've had a few serious conversations with her too, and that seems to be good, she's slowly opening up to me again, but I worry. There are times that she still seems uncomfortable, and I can't help but wonder if I'm trying too hard.
Outside of that worry, its not been bad, a weekend of "moving forward" as it were. Cleaning out closets and sorting things out to eventually take to Goodwill, it was productive and emotionally healing. I did have one foul-up Saturday night though. Bug and I were outside looking at the stars and playing on the iPad with the app SkyView. She was getting a kick out of moving it around the sky and seeing the constellations pop up on the screen. Like any 4 year old though, her attention was diverted when the cat came to see what we were doing. She was loving on the cat (named Tyler) and was saying that we needed to get Tyler a friend, so he wouldn't be lonely when she wasn't at the house. Well leave it to Dad to stick his foot in his mouth. I told her we would wait until I saw where I was moving to, and then we'd decide on a pet, but that we would most definitely get something. That's all it took for a breakdown about her not wanting me to move, she loved her house and didn't want to leave it. She calmed down a little when I told her we'd take all our stuff with us, but she was still upset about the thought of not having the current house as her home anymore. It killed me, like I knew it would. Leave it to me.
Fortunately that was the low point while I had the girls with me, besides having to drop them off. I delay and stick around so bad when I'm dropping the girls off, it probably boarders on sad. I'll go from the front window to the back window talking to both, getting as many kisses from Bug as I can. It's hard letting go, saying goodbye knowing I won't get to see her for at least another 5 plus days. I'm sure that doesn't sound like a lot, but after seeing her every day of her life, not leaving her forever more than one night, its difficult, very difficult. She was my light, what would brighten up my day. She still is, but the excitement and light is tempered down, because she's not here when I get home.
I'm already going to break one of the rules I set for myself when I decided to start writing this blog. I'll eventually have a post explaining it all, but to keep things private, I decided I'd never use actual names, I don't even use my own, the name I have on this site is made up. I also told myself I'd never degrade or bad-mouth my childrens' mothers, and I won't. The third thing I'm about to break. I told myself no face pics, for partially the same reason as the names, privacy. However, during the drop-off, my Bug was willing to take a pic with me, and take a good one. A picture I'm going to cherish, that just makes me smile, and captures my baby girl perfectly. So, I close this post with a photo of my Bug and I. Daddy loves you baby.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Our first board game - Chutes & Ladders
Tonight Bug and I played her first ever board game. I admit to being slightly ashamed of this fact being that she's 4 and this is the first time I've exposed her to an actual, physical board game, but she's not shown any interest until now. It wasn't even my idea, she actually found the box and started taking everything out looking at it and pretending to play, so I asked if she wanted to really play, and she was all about it! I have both girls tonight, ask asked my oldest if she wanted to play, but its hard to convince a nearly 12 year old to play Chutes and Ladders.
So we set up and played a Dora themed version of Chutes and Ladders, however to mix it up, I decided I'd be Spider-man, just so Daddy had his own goofy spin on it. She did well. I of course helped her, explaining the rules and making sure she counted her spaces out right, but we played a whole game without stopping. She won "of course" because Daddy slid down one too many chutes. I was slightly surprised though, because once or twice I'd catch a ladder and spring ahead of her on the board. When that happened I was expecting some complaining or fussing, being a slightly sore player when thinking should could loose, however she took it in stride like a champ. Something that made me very proud of her, even if I didn't share. I remember playing with her sister at 4, and she'd always complain if she didn't win. She'd try and cheat or do something to ensure victory. I let her get by with that for a while, but not long, and it looks like with Bug that's something I won't have to worry about with as much.
Surprisingly enough, after Chutes and Ladders, she wanted to play Candyland and she had found that game as well, so we of course played Candyland, getting Sissy to play for about half the game. Doesn't seem like games that, as she put it "are made for preschoolers" can hold the attention of a preteen near as much as One Direction can.
So, Bug and I played Candyland, to her delight, and she whipped my butt on it, fair and square too. She had a blast playing it though, because we'd go back and forth on who was leading on the board, and she was really proud of her victory after that. So it was definitely a successful night, and definitely the first of many board game nights we're going to have. It's definitely something I'm going to start doing more of now that she has an interest in it. Guess I'll need to go check out the board game isle next time I'm in the store and see what else we can play, and hopefully be able to include all 3 kids in a game soon.
So we set up and played a Dora themed version of Chutes and Ladders, however to mix it up, I decided I'd be Spider-man, just so Daddy had his own goofy spin on it. She did well. I of course helped her, explaining the rules and making sure she counted her spaces out right, but we played a whole game without stopping. She won "of course" because Daddy slid down one too many chutes. I was slightly surprised though, because once or twice I'd catch a ladder and spring ahead of her on the board. When that happened I was expecting some complaining or fussing, being a slightly sore player when thinking should could loose, however she took it in stride like a champ. Something that made me very proud of her, even if I didn't share. I remember playing with her sister at 4, and she'd always complain if she didn't win. She'd try and cheat or do something to ensure victory. I let her get by with that for a while, but not long, and it looks like with Bug that's something I won't have to worry about with as much.
Surprisingly enough, after Chutes and Ladders, she wanted to play Candyland and she had found that game as well, so we of course played Candyland, getting Sissy to play for about half the game. Doesn't seem like games that, as she put it "are made for preschoolers" can hold the attention of a preteen near as much as One Direction can.
So, Bug and I played Candyland, to her delight, and she whipped my butt on it, fair and square too. She had a blast playing it though, because we'd go back and forth on who was leading on the board, and she was really proud of her victory after that. So it was definitely a successful night, and definitely the first of many board game nights we're going to have. It's definitely something I'm going to start doing more of now that she has an interest in it. Guess I'll need to go check out the board game isle next time I'm in the store and see what else we can play, and hopefully be able to include all 3 kids in a game soon.
A Man Card-Carrying Sap
I'm starting to debate if I need to rip up my man card or not. I've turned into the biggest sap on the planet.
Prime example: I just finished watching the movie Oblivion with Tom Cruise and Morgan Freeman. Now if you don't want to know about the film I'd quite reading as there will be a few spoilers.
To give a quick recap for those of you reading and not knowing what the movie was about. When you're introduced to Cruise's character, all you are told is he's a guy that works on these drones that patrol what is left of a destroyed Earth. Through the process of the film you learn everything Cruise thought he knew was a lie, he ends up being one of thousands of clones, yada yada yada, you know how it is. Morgan Freeman gets to wear cool sunglasses, sport a nice white goatee, smoke a cigar and be all Morgan Freeman badass. You know, how he does. So end of movie, Cruise's character makes the whole noble sacrifice to save the human race, but also in the process saves his wife, who he had just met and learned who she was, because he had his memory erased, cause he's a clone, but still has fragments of memories, you know, same old formula. So the movie ends with a narration from Cruise, and its been 3 years since he save the earth from HAL 9000's sister. We see his wife, with a small girl, obviously her and Cruise's character's daughter. Well just knowing this part I get sappy, but then they show another of the clones, who you are to assume also has these memory fragments so he recognizes his wife. The little girl points and asks her mommy who the man is, who is obviously her father (or a clone of her father. Honestly this film's clone crap is more convoluted than the Clone Saga from the Spider-Man comics) When the little girl asks who the man is, and then they show Cruise, who has a look of acknowledgement to his eyes, I seriously freaking teared up! I kid you not!!
And for all those asking, no I do not have a vagina, and yes I have checked. The last 2 minutes of a sci-fi film, admittedly not a bad sci-fi film, regardless of my description, made me tear up like a woman watching The Notebook. Obviously I need to go outside and chop some wood or go kill an animal or something just to compensate.
Actually all jokes aside, that type of stuff gets to me, more-so now, but it always has, especially since my baby girl was born. Any type of fatherly moment, especially a father/daughter type thing, even something like what's shown at the end of Oblivion, makes me a big sap. I don't know, sometimes I wonder if I'm too emotional and if I should shut some of that out. It makes me feel weak at times. Fortunately these moments are typically not around other people. So hopefully I can keep hold of my man card for just a bit longer.
Prime example: I just finished watching the movie Oblivion with Tom Cruise and Morgan Freeman. Now if you don't want to know about the film I'd quite reading as there will be a few spoilers.
To give a quick recap for those of you reading and not knowing what the movie was about. When you're introduced to Cruise's character, all you are told is he's a guy that works on these drones that patrol what is left of a destroyed Earth. Through the process of the film you learn everything Cruise thought he knew was a lie, he ends up being one of thousands of clones, yada yada yada, you know how it is. Morgan Freeman gets to wear cool sunglasses, sport a nice white goatee, smoke a cigar and be all Morgan Freeman badass. You know, how he does. So end of movie, Cruise's character makes the whole noble sacrifice to save the human race, but also in the process saves his wife, who he had just met and learned who she was, because he had his memory erased, cause he's a clone, but still has fragments of memories, you know, same old formula. So the movie ends with a narration from Cruise, and its been 3 years since he save the earth from HAL 9000's sister. We see his wife, with a small girl, obviously her and Cruise's character's daughter. Well just knowing this part I get sappy, but then they show another of the clones, who you are to assume also has these memory fragments so he recognizes his wife. The little girl points and asks her mommy who the man is, who is obviously her father (or a clone of her father. Honestly this film's clone crap is more convoluted than the Clone Saga from the Spider-Man comics) When the little girl asks who the man is, and then they show Cruise, who has a look of acknowledgement to his eyes, I seriously freaking teared up! I kid you not!!
And for all those asking, no I do not have a vagina, and yes I have checked. The last 2 minutes of a sci-fi film, admittedly not a bad sci-fi film, regardless of my description, made me tear up like a woman watching The Notebook. Obviously I need to go outside and chop some wood or go kill an animal or something just to compensate.
Actually all jokes aside, that type of stuff gets to me, more-so now, but it always has, especially since my baby girl was born. Any type of fatherly moment, especially a father/daughter type thing, even something like what's shown at the end of Oblivion, makes me a big sap. I don't know, sometimes I wonder if I'm too emotional and if I should shut some of that out. It makes me feel weak at times. Fortunately these moments are typically not around other people. So hopefully I can keep hold of my man card for just a bit longer.
Friday, August 23, 2013
It's Absurd...
I've been accused of putting things into my child's mind to try and turn her against her own mother....
Those are words I never thought I would say, nor type, and honestly I wasn't going to acknowledge it on here, but I need an outlet for a minute, and its a subject that might as well be covered.
The idea that I would ever try and turn any of my kids against their own mothers or any family member is absurd. It's truly an extremely painful and underhanded suggestion to make, by anyone towards me, and really bothers me and weighs heavy on me that anyone would honestly think that of me. I love my children, with everything that is in me. Do I agree with their mothers? No, not always. Will I let the kids know that? Absolutely not. Would I try and turn the kids against their moms? Never, that would only hurt them, why on Earth would I intentionally want to cause my own children pain like that? I mean seriously! When I have my kids, I do everything I can to love them, to make them smile, and to do things with them. I have limited time, the clock is ticking even before I pick them up. So why wouldn't I? Yet it seems I'm chastised for that, and it looks like I'm trying to "turn them to love me more." When the hell did parenting become a damn competition? If any parent views that parenting is a competition where they need to always try and one-up the other parent, they need their damn head examined.
It just makes me wonder....what type of person would accuse someone of doing something like that? Is it something I should be concerned with? I admit of thinking things like that could happen with my son, and now it's apparently an issue with my daughter. I worry about it, because I'm not with my kids all the time, and at times its almost feels like their mothers see my involvement in my children's lives as a nuisance to them. So yes, I worry at times that things could be said or suggested to my kids. Do I voice that concern? Absolutely not! (Ignoring I just did it here) Because the thought of doing that to my kids just kills me. That is an issue their mothers will never have to worry about with me, yet after comments have been said to me, do I need to seriously worry? It just seems unfair. It feels like at times that I'm the only one that has my kids's best interests at heart. I realize I'm not, but at the same time I'm not the one going around accusing people of absurd things. This is just another cog to be able to throw a wrench into I guess. I wonder if I'm ever going to get a break?
Those are words I never thought I would say, nor type, and honestly I wasn't going to acknowledge it on here, but I need an outlet for a minute, and its a subject that might as well be covered.
The idea that I would ever try and turn any of my kids against their own mothers or any family member is absurd. It's truly an extremely painful and underhanded suggestion to make, by anyone towards me, and really bothers me and weighs heavy on me that anyone would honestly think that of me. I love my children, with everything that is in me. Do I agree with their mothers? No, not always. Will I let the kids know that? Absolutely not. Would I try and turn the kids against their moms? Never, that would only hurt them, why on Earth would I intentionally want to cause my own children pain like that? I mean seriously! When I have my kids, I do everything I can to love them, to make them smile, and to do things with them. I have limited time, the clock is ticking even before I pick them up. So why wouldn't I? Yet it seems I'm chastised for that, and it looks like I'm trying to "turn them to love me more." When the hell did parenting become a damn competition? If any parent views that parenting is a competition where they need to always try and one-up the other parent, they need their damn head examined.
It just makes me wonder....what type of person would accuse someone of doing something like that? Is it something I should be concerned with? I admit of thinking things like that could happen with my son, and now it's apparently an issue with my daughter. I worry about it, because I'm not with my kids all the time, and at times its almost feels like their mothers see my involvement in my children's lives as a nuisance to them. So yes, I worry at times that things could be said or suggested to my kids. Do I voice that concern? Absolutely not! (Ignoring I just did it here) Because the thought of doing that to my kids just kills me. That is an issue their mothers will never have to worry about with me, yet after comments have been said to me, do I need to seriously worry? It just seems unfair. It feels like at times that I'm the only one that has my kids's best interests at heart. I realize I'm not, but at the same time I'm not the one going around accusing people of absurd things. This is just another cog to be able to throw a wrench into I guess. I wonder if I'm ever going to get a break?
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