Today would have been....

I thought I had been doing better, and in a lot of ways I have, but today proved to me that I'm not doing nearly as well as I'd like to have myself think.  Today would have been Bug's first day of preschool.  It's one of those things that I knew in the back of my head, but did my best to ignore, until I saw other parents posting pics of their kids getting on the bus or sitting in their room, and it just struck me.  It hit me like a brick wall, and I've been pretty much worthless since.  

It's hard, because I had planned to take the day off work so I could pick her up on her first day and see how she did.  So today pretty much sucked and struck home that not only did I not get to do that, but rather than it be me that will get those experiences, it'll be her grandmother in January.  I keep telling myself this is my new existence and I need to get used to it, but so far, that level of acceptance isn't happening.  I beat myself up because on a day like today, I feel like I take a step back, like by this point, nearly two months have passed and I should be getting accustomed to this.  I realize that's bullshit though.  It's bullshit I feed myself, and most day that works to a certain extent, but not today.  Today the bullshit fell silent and the roar of reality took center stage....