It's hard, because I had planned to take the day off work so I could pick her up on her first day and see how she did. So today pretty much sucked and struck home that not only did I not get to do that, but rather than it be me that will get those experiences, it'll be her grandmother in January. I keep telling myself this is my new existence and I need to get used to it, but so far, that level of acceptance isn't happening. I beat myself up because on a day like today, I feel like I take a step back, like by this point, nearly two months have passed and I should be getting accustomed to this. I realize that's bullshit though. It's bullshit I feed myself, and most day that works to a certain extent, but not today. Today the bullshit fell silent and the roar of reality took center stage....
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Today would have been....
I thought I had been doing better, and in a lot of ways I have, but today proved to me that I'm not doing nearly as well as I'd like to have myself think. Today would have been Bug's first day of preschool. It's one of those things that I knew in the back of my head, but did my best to ignore, until I saw other parents posting pics of their kids getting on the bus or sitting in their room, and it just struck me. It hit me like a brick wall, and I've been pretty much worthless since.
Monday, August 26, 2013
Another Weekend....
Another weekend has come and gone and I'm back to an empty house. I did my best to stay upbeat with this drop off, and there were no tears this time, problem is, I'm torn on how to feel about that. Should I be happy that my baby didn't cry, that there were no tears or "....but I'll miss you" that guaranteed that I'd tear up, or should I be bothered or worried that she's growing accustomed to this situation like her brother, and growing accustomed to not being around me as much as she was before? I realize most people will say I should't think too much, that I should be happy that she didn't get upset or cry, but these back and forth thoughts and emotions, are nearly everyday with me.
Admittedly though, it was a fitting end to a decent day and a half of just me and the girls. My oldest had a school dance Friday, so I didn't get the girls until midday Saturday, took them back just a little over 24 hours later, and I wouldn't trade those 24 hours for anything.
I sometimes worry I'm trying too hard with my oldest though. Our relationship the past few years has been rocky at best. Being as she's my step-daughter, there have been times I've seriously expected to hear the dreaded "you're not my Dad!" come from her, because at times it was that bad. Looking back, I think it was a reaction to me and her mom not doing well, and she felt like she somewhat betrayed her mom if she didn't turn her back on me. The last few months have been better though. She talks to me more, and I'm being more relaxed, talking to her, pestering and giving her a hard time anything related to One Direction pops up or we see in a store. I've had a few serious conversations with her too, and that seems to be good, she's slowly opening up to me again, but I worry. There are times that she still seems uncomfortable, and I can't help but wonder if I'm trying too hard.
Outside of that worry, its not been bad, a weekend of "moving forward" as it were. Cleaning out closets and sorting things out to eventually take to Goodwill, it was productive and emotionally healing. I did have one foul-up Saturday night though. Bug and I were outside looking at the stars and playing on the iPad with the app SkyView. She was getting a kick out of moving it around the sky and seeing the constellations pop up on the screen. Like any 4 year old though, her attention was diverted when the cat came to see what we were doing. She was loving on the cat (named Tyler) and was saying that we needed to get Tyler a friend, so he wouldn't be lonely when she wasn't at the house. Well leave it to Dad to stick his foot in his mouth. I told her we would wait until I saw where I was moving to, and then we'd decide on a pet, but that we would most definitely get something. That's all it took for a breakdown about her not wanting me to move, she loved her house and didn't want to leave it. She calmed down a little when I told her we'd take all our stuff with us, but she was still upset about the thought of not having the current house as her home anymore. It killed me, like I knew it would. Leave it to me.
Fortunately that was the low point while I had the girls with me, besides having to drop them off. I delay and stick around so bad when I'm dropping the girls off, it probably boarders on sad. I'll go from the front window to the back window talking to both, getting as many kisses from Bug as I can. It's hard letting go, saying goodbye knowing I won't get to see her for at least another 5 plus days. I'm sure that doesn't sound like a lot, but after seeing her every day of her life, not leaving her forever more than one night, its difficult, very difficult. She was my light, what would brighten up my day. She still is, but the excitement and light is tempered down, because she's not here when I get home.
I'm already going to break one of the rules I set for myself when I decided to start writing this blog. I'll eventually have a post explaining it all, but to keep things private, I decided I'd never use actual names, I don't even use my own, the name I have on this site is made up. I also told myself I'd never degrade or bad-mouth my childrens' mothers, and I won't. The third thing I'm about to break. I told myself no face pics, for partially the same reason as the names, privacy. However, during the drop-off, my Bug was willing to take a pic with me, and take a good one. A picture I'm going to cherish, that just makes me smile, and captures my baby girl perfectly. So, I close this post with a photo of my Bug and I. Daddy loves you baby.
Admittedly though, it was a fitting end to a decent day and a half of just me and the girls. My oldest had a school dance Friday, so I didn't get the girls until midday Saturday, took them back just a little over 24 hours later, and I wouldn't trade those 24 hours for anything.
I sometimes worry I'm trying too hard with my oldest though. Our relationship the past few years has been rocky at best. Being as she's my step-daughter, there have been times I've seriously expected to hear the dreaded "you're not my Dad!" come from her, because at times it was that bad. Looking back, I think it was a reaction to me and her mom not doing well, and she felt like she somewhat betrayed her mom if she didn't turn her back on me. The last few months have been better though. She talks to me more, and I'm being more relaxed, talking to her, pestering and giving her a hard time anything related to One Direction pops up or we see in a store. I've had a few serious conversations with her too, and that seems to be good, she's slowly opening up to me again, but I worry. There are times that she still seems uncomfortable, and I can't help but wonder if I'm trying too hard.
Outside of that worry, its not been bad, a weekend of "moving forward" as it were. Cleaning out closets and sorting things out to eventually take to Goodwill, it was productive and emotionally healing. I did have one foul-up Saturday night though. Bug and I were outside looking at the stars and playing on the iPad with the app SkyView. She was getting a kick out of moving it around the sky and seeing the constellations pop up on the screen. Like any 4 year old though, her attention was diverted when the cat came to see what we were doing. She was loving on the cat (named Tyler) and was saying that we needed to get Tyler a friend, so he wouldn't be lonely when she wasn't at the house. Well leave it to Dad to stick his foot in his mouth. I told her we would wait until I saw where I was moving to, and then we'd decide on a pet, but that we would most definitely get something. That's all it took for a breakdown about her not wanting me to move, she loved her house and didn't want to leave it. She calmed down a little when I told her we'd take all our stuff with us, but she was still upset about the thought of not having the current house as her home anymore. It killed me, like I knew it would. Leave it to me.
Fortunately that was the low point while I had the girls with me, besides having to drop them off. I delay and stick around so bad when I'm dropping the girls off, it probably boarders on sad. I'll go from the front window to the back window talking to both, getting as many kisses from Bug as I can. It's hard letting go, saying goodbye knowing I won't get to see her for at least another 5 plus days. I'm sure that doesn't sound like a lot, but after seeing her every day of her life, not leaving her forever more than one night, its difficult, very difficult. She was my light, what would brighten up my day. She still is, but the excitement and light is tempered down, because she's not here when I get home.
I'm already going to break one of the rules I set for myself when I decided to start writing this blog. I'll eventually have a post explaining it all, but to keep things private, I decided I'd never use actual names, I don't even use my own, the name I have on this site is made up. I also told myself I'd never degrade or bad-mouth my childrens' mothers, and I won't. The third thing I'm about to break. I told myself no face pics, for partially the same reason as the names, privacy. However, during the drop-off, my Bug was willing to take a pic with me, and take a good one. A picture I'm going to cherish, that just makes me smile, and captures my baby girl perfectly. So, I close this post with a photo of my Bug and I. Daddy loves you baby.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Our first board game - Chutes & Ladders
Tonight Bug and I played her first ever board game. I admit to being slightly ashamed of this fact being that she's 4 and this is the first time I've exposed her to an actual, physical board game, but she's not shown any interest until now. It wasn't even my idea, she actually found the box and started taking everything out looking at it and pretending to play, so I asked if she wanted to really play, and she was all about it! I have both girls tonight, ask asked my oldest if she wanted to play, but its hard to convince a nearly 12 year old to play Chutes and Ladders.
So we set up and played a Dora themed version of Chutes and Ladders, however to mix it up, I decided I'd be Spider-man, just so Daddy had his own goofy spin on it. She did well. I of course helped her, explaining the rules and making sure she counted her spaces out right, but we played a whole game without stopping. She won "of course" because Daddy slid down one too many chutes. I was slightly surprised though, because once or twice I'd catch a ladder and spring ahead of her on the board. When that happened I was expecting some complaining or fussing, being a slightly sore player when thinking should could loose, however she took it in stride like a champ. Something that made me very proud of her, even if I didn't share. I remember playing with her sister at 4, and she'd always complain if she didn't win. She'd try and cheat or do something to ensure victory. I let her get by with that for a while, but not long, and it looks like with Bug that's something I won't have to worry about with as much.
Surprisingly enough, after Chutes and Ladders, she wanted to play Candyland and she had found that game as well, so we of course played Candyland, getting Sissy to play for about half the game. Doesn't seem like games that, as she put it "are made for preschoolers" can hold the attention of a preteen near as much as One Direction can.
So, Bug and I played Candyland, to her delight, and she whipped my butt on it, fair and square too. She had a blast playing it though, because we'd go back and forth on who was leading on the board, and she was really proud of her victory after that. So it was definitely a successful night, and definitely the first of many board game nights we're going to have. It's definitely something I'm going to start doing more of now that she has an interest in it. Guess I'll need to go check out the board game isle next time I'm in the store and see what else we can play, and hopefully be able to include all 3 kids in a game soon.
So we set up and played a Dora themed version of Chutes and Ladders, however to mix it up, I decided I'd be Spider-man, just so Daddy had his own goofy spin on it. She did well. I of course helped her, explaining the rules and making sure she counted her spaces out right, but we played a whole game without stopping. She won "of course" because Daddy slid down one too many chutes. I was slightly surprised though, because once or twice I'd catch a ladder and spring ahead of her on the board. When that happened I was expecting some complaining or fussing, being a slightly sore player when thinking should could loose, however she took it in stride like a champ. Something that made me very proud of her, even if I didn't share. I remember playing with her sister at 4, and she'd always complain if she didn't win. She'd try and cheat or do something to ensure victory. I let her get by with that for a while, but not long, and it looks like with Bug that's something I won't have to worry about with as much.
Surprisingly enough, after Chutes and Ladders, she wanted to play Candyland and she had found that game as well, so we of course played Candyland, getting Sissy to play for about half the game. Doesn't seem like games that, as she put it "are made for preschoolers" can hold the attention of a preteen near as much as One Direction can.
So, Bug and I played Candyland, to her delight, and she whipped my butt on it, fair and square too. She had a blast playing it though, because we'd go back and forth on who was leading on the board, and she was really proud of her victory after that. So it was definitely a successful night, and definitely the first of many board game nights we're going to have. It's definitely something I'm going to start doing more of now that she has an interest in it. Guess I'll need to go check out the board game isle next time I'm in the store and see what else we can play, and hopefully be able to include all 3 kids in a game soon.
A Man Card-Carrying Sap
I'm starting to debate if I need to rip up my man card or not. I've turned into the biggest sap on the planet.
Prime example: I just finished watching the movie Oblivion with Tom Cruise and Morgan Freeman. Now if you don't want to know about the film I'd quite reading as there will be a few spoilers.
To give a quick recap for those of you reading and not knowing what the movie was about. When you're introduced to Cruise's character, all you are told is he's a guy that works on these drones that patrol what is left of a destroyed Earth. Through the process of the film you learn everything Cruise thought he knew was a lie, he ends up being one of thousands of clones, yada yada yada, you know how it is. Morgan Freeman gets to wear cool sunglasses, sport a nice white goatee, smoke a cigar and be all Morgan Freeman badass. You know, how he does. So end of movie, Cruise's character makes the whole noble sacrifice to save the human race, but also in the process saves his wife, who he had just met and learned who she was, because he had his memory erased, cause he's a clone, but still has fragments of memories, you know, same old formula. So the movie ends with a narration from Cruise, and its been 3 years since he save the earth from HAL 9000's sister. We see his wife, with a small girl, obviously her and Cruise's character's daughter. Well just knowing this part I get sappy, but then they show another of the clones, who you are to assume also has these memory fragments so he recognizes his wife. The little girl points and asks her mommy who the man is, who is obviously her father (or a clone of her father. Honestly this film's clone crap is more convoluted than the Clone Saga from the Spider-Man comics) When the little girl asks who the man is, and then they show Cruise, who has a look of acknowledgement to his eyes, I seriously freaking teared up! I kid you not!!
And for all those asking, no I do not have a vagina, and yes I have checked. The last 2 minutes of a sci-fi film, admittedly not a bad sci-fi film, regardless of my description, made me tear up like a woman watching The Notebook. Obviously I need to go outside and chop some wood or go kill an animal or something just to compensate.
Actually all jokes aside, that type of stuff gets to me, more-so now, but it always has, especially since my baby girl was born. Any type of fatherly moment, especially a father/daughter type thing, even something like what's shown at the end of Oblivion, makes me a big sap. I don't know, sometimes I wonder if I'm too emotional and if I should shut some of that out. It makes me feel weak at times. Fortunately these moments are typically not around other people. So hopefully I can keep hold of my man card for just a bit longer.
Prime example: I just finished watching the movie Oblivion with Tom Cruise and Morgan Freeman. Now if you don't want to know about the film I'd quite reading as there will be a few spoilers.
To give a quick recap for those of you reading and not knowing what the movie was about. When you're introduced to Cruise's character, all you are told is he's a guy that works on these drones that patrol what is left of a destroyed Earth. Through the process of the film you learn everything Cruise thought he knew was a lie, he ends up being one of thousands of clones, yada yada yada, you know how it is. Morgan Freeman gets to wear cool sunglasses, sport a nice white goatee, smoke a cigar and be all Morgan Freeman badass. You know, how he does. So end of movie, Cruise's character makes the whole noble sacrifice to save the human race, but also in the process saves his wife, who he had just met and learned who she was, because he had his memory erased, cause he's a clone, but still has fragments of memories, you know, same old formula. So the movie ends with a narration from Cruise, and its been 3 years since he save the earth from HAL 9000's sister. We see his wife, with a small girl, obviously her and Cruise's character's daughter. Well just knowing this part I get sappy, but then they show another of the clones, who you are to assume also has these memory fragments so he recognizes his wife. The little girl points and asks her mommy who the man is, who is obviously her father (or a clone of her father. Honestly this film's clone crap is more convoluted than the Clone Saga from the Spider-Man comics) When the little girl asks who the man is, and then they show Cruise, who has a look of acknowledgement to his eyes, I seriously freaking teared up! I kid you not!!
And for all those asking, no I do not have a vagina, and yes I have checked. The last 2 minutes of a sci-fi film, admittedly not a bad sci-fi film, regardless of my description, made me tear up like a woman watching The Notebook. Obviously I need to go outside and chop some wood or go kill an animal or something just to compensate.
Actually all jokes aside, that type of stuff gets to me, more-so now, but it always has, especially since my baby girl was born. Any type of fatherly moment, especially a father/daughter type thing, even something like what's shown at the end of Oblivion, makes me a big sap. I don't know, sometimes I wonder if I'm too emotional and if I should shut some of that out. It makes me feel weak at times. Fortunately these moments are typically not around other people. So hopefully I can keep hold of my man card for just a bit longer.
Friday, August 23, 2013
It's Absurd...
I've been accused of putting things into my child's mind to try and turn her against her own mother....
Those are words I never thought I would say, nor type, and honestly I wasn't going to acknowledge it on here, but I need an outlet for a minute, and its a subject that might as well be covered.
The idea that I would ever try and turn any of my kids against their own mothers or any family member is absurd. It's truly an extremely painful and underhanded suggestion to make, by anyone towards me, and really bothers me and weighs heavy on me that anyone would honestly think that of me. I love my children, with everything that is in me. Do I agree with their mothers? No, not always. Will I let the kids know that? Absolutely not. Would I try and turn the kids against their moms? Never, that would only hurt them, why on Earth would I intentionally want to cause my own children pain like that? I mean seriously! When I have my kids, I do everything I can to love them, to make them smile, and to do things with them. I have limited time, the clock is ticking even before I pick them up. So why wouldn't I? Yet it seems I'm chastised for that, and it looks like I'm trying to "turn them to love me more." When the hell did parenting become a damn competition? If any parent views that parenting is a competition where they need to always try and one-up the other parent, they need their damn head examined.
It just makes me wonder....what type of person would accuse someone of doing something like that? Is it something I should be concerned with? I admit of thinking things like that could happen with my son, and now it's apparently an issue with my daughter. I worry about it, because I'm not with my kids all the time, and at times its almost feels like their mothers see my involvement in my children's lives as a nuisance to them. So yes, I worry at times that things could be said or suggested to my kids. Do I voice that concern? Absolutely not! (Ignoring I just did it here) Because the thought of doing that to my kids just kills me. That is an issue their mothers will never have to worry about with me, yet after comments have been said to me, do I need to seriously worry? It just seems unfair. It feels like at times that I'm the only one that has my kids's best interests at heart. I realize I'm not, but at the same time I'm not the one going around accusing people of absurd things. This is just another cog to be able to throw a wrench into I guess. I wonder if I'm ever going to get a break?
Those are words I never thought I would say, nor type, and honestly I wasn't going to acknowledge it on here, but I need an outlet for a minute, and its a subject that might as well be covered.
The idea that I would ever try and turn any of my kids against their own mothers or any family member is absurd. It's truly an extremely painful and underhanded suggestion to make, by anyone towards me, and really bothers me and weighs heavy on me that anyone would honestly think that of me. I love my children, with everything that is in me. Do I agree with their mothers? No, not always. Will I let the kids know that? Absolutely not. Would I try and turn the kids against their moms? Never, that would only hurt them, why on Earth would I intentionally want to cause my own children pain like that? I mean seriously! When I have my kids, I do everything I can to love them, to make them smile, and to do things with them. I have limited time, the clock is ticking even before I pick them up. So why wouldn't I? Yet it seems I'm chastised for that, and it looks like I'm trying to "turn them to love me more." When the hell did parenting become a damn competition? If any parent views that parenting is a competition where they need to always try and one-up the other parent, they need their damn head examined.
It just makes me wonder....what type of person would accuse someone of doing something like that? Is it something I should be concerned with? I admit of thinking things like that could happen with my son, and now it's apparently an issue with my daughter. I worry about it, because I'm not with my kids all the time, and at times its almost feels like their mothers see my involvement in my children's lives as a nuisance to them. So yes, I worry at times that things could be said or suggested to my kids. Do I voice that concern? Absolutely not! (Ignoring I just did it here) Because the thought of doing that to my kids just kills me. That is an issue their mothers will never have to worry about with me, yet after comments have been said to me, do I need to seriously worry? It just seems unfair. It feels like at times that I'm the only one that has my kids's best interests at heart. I realize I'm not, but at the same time I'm not the one going around accusing people of absurd things. This is just another cog to be able to throw a wrench into I guess. I wonder if I'm ever going to get a break?
Thursday, August 22, 2013
The Seesaw Affect
I rarely get pics sent to me from kids' mothers, but once in a while I do, and typically they're a random shot, maybe to show me what they're doing, or what they wore. Case in point, I get this picture sent to me of my Bug earlier:
I can't help but smile looking at it even now. That's my baby girl, always goofy, always happy, imaginative and wanting to make you smile. It warms my heart to see her goofy like this, then almost immediately puts me to tears. (Tearing up typing this)
It just makes me miss her worse than I do, and knowing her heart and how she is, I miss her goofiness, her silliness, her laugh. I can hear her trying to make up a voice to go with that mask and I smile with a tear rolling down my cheek. The reaction is such a seesaw of emotion, I almost get mad at myself at times. That I should be stronger and able to keep it together better.
Hopefully one day soon I can keep from seesawing with myself, while its been the only time I've been able to, I'm not enjoying it.
Just the humming
I'll be the first one to admit I've had a rough few days. The whole thing with preschool open house, and see pictures posted on Facebook by other parents, it just got to me. I've moped around, and tried my best to force my way out of it. Am I there yet? No, but I'm doing better.
I do dread tomorrow afternoon though. Something I almost already dread now, especially after a long day of being on the road. Rather than coming home to a loud house, with a little girl running, excited to see me, and wanting me to play Lalaloopsy before I can even get my shoes off, I now come home to an empty, quiet house, with only the hum from the ceiling fans to greet me. Sometimes I find myself just sitting around, in silence, trying to remember the sounds of the kids being in the house.
I don't look forward to coming home now. I typically have to drive about 25-30 minutes from my office to home. The drive always seems like it takes twice that, and the closer I get, the heavier reality sits in. I can ignore things for a few hours while at work, because I'm at work, its not like the kids would be with me then. Its when the day ends, and I'm facing coming home to the hum of the fans that things that I can't ignore things anymore. I don't get to be greeted at the door with excitement after a long day at work, and I'll likely never have it again.
It's the small things you took for granted, that you miss the most.
I do dread tomorrow afternoon though. Something I almost already dread now, especially after a long day of being on the road. Rather than coming home to a loud house, with a little girl running, excited to see me, and wanting me to play Lalaloopsy before I can even get my shoes off, I now come home to an empty, quiet house, with only the hum from the ceiling fans to greet me. Sometimes I find myself just sitting around, in silence, trying to remember the sounds of the kids being in the house.
I don't look forward to coming home now. I typically have to drive about 25-30 minutes from my office to home. The drive always seems like it takes twice that, and the closer I get, the heavier reality sits in. I can ignore things for a few hours while at work, because I'm at work, its not like the kids would be with me then. Its when the day ends, and I'm facing coming home to the hum of the fans that things that I can't ignore things anymore. I don't get to be greeted at the door with excitement after a long day at work, and I'll likely never have it again.
It's the small things you took for granted, that you miss the most.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
The Move Debate
I have to face the fact that I'm going to have to move. I can't afford the house I'm in alone anymore, but damn it I feel guilty. This is the only real home my Bug has ever known. Just recently painting her room purple, a color she picked out, and she's been so excited and happy, and it eats and kills me inside knowing I'm going to have to leave this place, and cause her to leave her room behind. It's a guilt that obviously no one else has, but for some reason I do. I feel I'm going to fail her, I'm going to fail her brother and her sister when I move. They've grown accustomed to this house, and yes while they are only here a few days here and there every few weeks, at least its familiar, at least its something they can come back to and its a constant, while everything else is a mess and in flux. Sometimes I think and think life would be easier if I just couldn't care, hell I'd definitely probably have more hair if I didn't stress about things as much as I do. But something about thinking about moving just puts a sick feeling in my stomach. Where I think I should be feeling some relief or some excitement to moving on and starting something new and fresh, I feel dread and worry.
I worry about the place I end up getting, what if its not enough? What if they don't like it, and in turn don't want to come visit me? The likelihood I'm going to find a place big enough is slim to none, so they'll have to share rooms...I don't know. I'd do anything to make my kids happy, and right now, I don't feel like moving will be something that makes them happy.
And I'm scared.....I'm scared of the day my baby doesn't want to come home with me. I barely survived that with my son, with Bug, I have no chance....I'm not that strong.
I wish I was stronger.
I worry about the place I end up getting, what if its not enough? What if they don't like it, and in turn don't want to come visit me? The likelihood I'm going to find a place big enough is slim to none, so they'll have to share rooms...I don't know. I'd do anything to make my kids happy, and right now, I don't feel like moving will be something that makes them happy.
And I'm scared.....I'm scared of the day my baby doesn't want to come home with me. I barely survived that with my son, with Bug, I have no chance....I'm not that strong.
I wish I was stronger.
Monday, August 19, 2013
Back to School Blues
Tomorrow would have been my daughter's open house for preschool, where she would have gotten to see her classroom and meet her teacher. Since her mom moved her out of the area, she doesn't get to go, and she had been accepted into the program early due to her speech, which has gotten substantially better, but could still use a little work. It kills me that she doesn't get to go. She has been beyond excited since early June when I took her to get registered and for her screening. It's really been all she's talked about. How she'll be going to her school. Seeing school buses and asking if that'll be her school bus, and talking about how she can't wait to meet her teacher and all her new friends. Of course her mother hasn't told her she won't be going. I don't think I could get through the process of telling her myself, breaking my baby girl's heart, without getting upset myself.
It's a day I've been dreading and looking forward to at the same time. An experience I've not got to have with my step daughter or my son. That very first, first day of school. It would have been me getting her up, getting her ready, fumbling with her hair, and driving her to the school, not knowing if I'd be getting tears or smiles. I was truly looking forward to being able to have that experience, just once. Maybe it's selfish of me. I know most dads don't get to, some don't care, but I did, I do. If anything its just an extra reminder of the things I'm going to miss out on again, just like I did and do with my son. I'd do anything to have the experiences with my baby girl, but anything is obviously not enough....it's hard. It's really hard. Once looking at the future, excited and scared, and now dreading it because of all the things I know I'm going to miss, and only ever get to hear about, and not experience.
It's hard to say if its ironic, or just a cruel jape by the universe that I came across an artist that had created images of superheroes taking their kids and/or sidekicks to school last night. I of course posted it on my other website, because it was fitting, not only for the subject matter but for the time frame. There was just something brilliant and beautiful about them though, and at the same time heartbreaking. I'm some ways, fictional characters get to have what I want and crave, and its not powers or cool costumes, but the simple things in life. Walking and holding your child's hand while they wear a backpack too big for them, and being just as excited and anxious as they are.
There's something extra beautiful about the one of little Peter Parker, holding the hand of his Uncle Ben's ghost. He may not physically be there, but here's there in spirit, he's there in his heart. I can only hope my kids know, that even though I can't physically be there to hold their hand, that I'm still there with them.
It's a day I've been dreading and looking forward to at the same time. An experience I've not got to have with my step daughter or my son. That very first, first day of school. It would have been me getting her up, getting her ready, fumbling with her hair, and driving her to the school, not knowing if I'd be getting tears or smiles. I was truly looking forward to being able to have that experience, just once. Maybe it's selfish of me. I know most dads don't get to, some don't care, but I did, I do. If anything its just an extra reminder of the things I'm going to miss out on again, just like I did and do with my son. I'd do anything to have the experiences with my baby girl, but anything is obviously not enough....it's hard. It's really hard. Once looking at the future, excited and scared, and now dreading it because of all the things I know I'm going to miss, and only ever get to hear about, and not experience.
It's hard to say if its ironic, or just a cruel jape by the universe that I came across an artist that had created images of superheroes taking their kids and/or sidekicks to school last night. I of course posted it on my other website, because it was fitting, not only for the subject matter but for the time frame. There was just something brilliant and beautiful about them though, and at the same time heartbreaking. I'm some ways, fictional characters get to have what I want and crave, and its not powers or cool costumes, but the simple things in life. Walking and holding your child's hand while they wear a backpack too big for them, and being just as excited and anxious as they are.
There's something extra beautiful about the one of little Peter Parker, holding the hand of his Uncle Ben's ghost. He may not physically be there, but here's there in spirit, he's there in his heart. I can only hope my kids know, that even though I can't physically be there to hold their hand, that I'm still there with them.
The Obligatory First Post
Well, its needed to get the ball rolling, so here is my first post, on my new blog. It's hard to say what the ultimate point of this will be, its as fresh of an idea as the pain and discomfort of this new existence is. I'm a father, one of the things I've truly wanted to be. One of my goals in life and something I looked forward to, and all its been is an uphill battle for me. I'm a father, 24/7. When I wake up, when I fall asleep, throughout the day, and even in my dreams, I'm a father, and just not in the biological sense either. However, out of those 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year, yada, yada, yada, I get to actually be in the role of a father, just a small fraction of that time. Hence the name, I'm a full-time father, but only get to have a part-time role.
I plan I tell stories, but I also plan on using this forum as a way for me to cope. I don't feel like I have anyone around me that truly understands the heartache I deal with daily. The moments I don't get to have, the days and memories that were once in my future, now an undeveloped memory. I miss my babies, everyday, and count down the days until I get to hug them and kiss them again. Then I turn around and count down the hours until I have to start coming home to an empty home again. My heart stays in Daddy mode, and is constantly hurting.....thus is my current existence.
I plan I tell stories, but I also plan on using this forum as a way for me to cope. I don't feel like I have anyone around me that truly understands the heartache I deal with daily. The moments I don't get to have, the days and memories that were once in my future, now an undeveloped memory. I miss my babies, everyday, and count down the days until I get to hug them and kiss them again. Then I turn around and count down the hours until I have to start coming home to an empty home again. My heart stays in Daddy mode, and is constantly hurting.....thus is my current existence.
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